I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
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Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse