Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
You Might Also Like
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
mathematically impossible
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet