You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
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Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*