[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
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When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
This is what makes twitter great
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)