I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
You Might Also Like
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo: