home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
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Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona