My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
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Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.