when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
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BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
me working on my assignments ^-^
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.