Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
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When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Oh deer
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever