stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
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Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Lmao the reply
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”