Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
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I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Unimpressed
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now