NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
You Might Also Like
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.