Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
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Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Sooo many times…..
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache