But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
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COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
this is what they would have looked like, though
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.