My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
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Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.