Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
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It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.