Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
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My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to