My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
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lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Try and stop me.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
#parenting
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Social distancing in Australia:
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers