A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
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Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them