Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
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Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.