launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
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I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Geez man, take it easy.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?