Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
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Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Mmmm canned fish.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?