Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
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My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
When your man makes a valid point
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
We’ve come full circle
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s