Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
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Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.