I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
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Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
My first son he is wonderful
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape