Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
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prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.