Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
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scared to check what name she chose
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.