My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
You Might Also Like
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
and this one
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks