I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
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This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”