– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
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Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
shut up and take my money
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.