Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
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if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”