Wednesday
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Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.