I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
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Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me