[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
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My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
the best thing i’ve ever made
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”