Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
You Might Also Like
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD