i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
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*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
This took me a second..
still the best tweet of the year by far
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.