2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
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I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
is it earth
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.