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When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!