I have questions??
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*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth