My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
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I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.