I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
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Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Spring of Deception
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.