What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
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No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download