No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
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If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.