Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
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I’m a self-made hundredaire
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there