AM I BEING GASLIT????
You Might Also Like
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Good dog. ❤️
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope