Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
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If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.