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Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
LOL
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful