“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
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Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
A duv-egg? In this economy?