[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
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My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course