My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
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Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.